For years I could not understand why sometimes I felt so close and loved by my husband, while other times he could hurt me so deeply and send me into a frenzy of frustration and bitterness. What was the difference between those times? I have come to understand that the only difference between the times of feeling close with the people we love most or feeling distant is our level of bonding. I came to this conclusion through the incredible work of Dr. Sue Johnson in her books “Love Sense” and “Hold Me Tight” and I came to these truths through the exploration and discovery of my own life and relationships.
Why is it important to be bonded to the people we love the most? A great deal of research has been done about the link between the level of bonding in relationships and our mental and physical health. In one study, University of California "analyzed data on 1500 middle class folks who were born around 1910 in California. the voluminous records traced their lives over eight decades until their deaths, detailing their experiences and habits through prosperity, the Great Depression, and two world wars. The notations included everything from the happiness of their parents' marriage to their career choice to the "number or books they had in their home. Physiologist Howard Friedman concluded that medical advances play a minor role in extending life span. Most people who live to old age do not do so because they have beaten cancer, heart disease, depression, or diabetes," he says. "Instead, the long-lived avoid serious ailments altogether through a series of steps that rely on long-lasting, meaningful connections with others. In other words, you can "eat special organic and gluten free foods, gulp down multivitamins, get yourself to the gym, and meditate into a stress-free zone, but the best tonic for staying healthy and happy into old age is probably toning up your relationship." Sue Johnson
Now that we understand that it is critical for us to have a bonded connection with the people we love the most, we need to understand how we get disconnected so we know how to get connected again. You see, there is one common thing that happens in all relationships at some point. We mess up. We say the wrong thing, or look at the person in the wrong way and as a result the other person reacts and distance comes between us. So what happens in those moments? As Dr. Johnson describes, a bonding (attachment) injury occurs. A bonding injury is basically when we intentionally or unintentionally do something that causes one partner to feel betrayed or abandoned and creates a feeling of panic in that person and feeling of emotional disconnection in the relationship. It is part of the human condition that this will happen with the people we love the most and the good news is that it is not permanent.
When a bonding injury happens, we have to understand that it creates a physical feeling that we are unsafe. Research has shown that when we a bonding injury happens in our relationships, it affects our brain in the same way as if we were being chased by a tiger. When there is a bonding injury in the relationship we emotionally feel unsafe and our brains responds as if we are in mortal danger. It is critical that we understand this because it is not a logical thing. When we are disconnected from those we love, we feel fear and panic that we will be left alone or that they do not have our back.
If we are to know what do to to heal a bonding injury and regain the closeness we once had or create the connection we desire, we first must understand how we respond when a bonding injury happens. There are three main ways that we deal with bonding injuries. We tend to gravitate towards one of these bonding styles.
We all have a bonding style that we naturally gravitate towards. Our style of bonding is created in childhood with the people we were closest to, such as our parents. If we had a parent that was unpredictable or uncertain we could have responded with an anxious bonding style by checking to know if they will be there & if they love us. Or we could have responded to the same situation by retreating by going to our bedroom when there was fighting to avoid conflict. The bonding style we developed as children are not good or bad. They simply were the ways that we coped with the people we most loved and how we maintained emotional safety. In fact, these styles are a form of resilience.
Styles of Bonding
Anxious - looks for reassurance from their partner that the relationship is okay
Avoidant - retreats from the danger by withdrawing or distancing themselves from the relationships
Securely attached - feels safe and secure in the relationship and knows the other person has their back
The challenge happens when we continue to use our same default bonding style in our adult relationships with our partner. Let me give you an example. As a child I felt that I was sometimes unseen and unheard. I was an emotional child with parents who (although I love and respect very much) did not always know what to do with my emotions and would withdraw from me when I was “too emotional.” So I learned to deal with the situation using an anxious bonding style. I would protest their withdrawals with angry outbursts that were really asking “will you be there for me?” The challenge came in my marriage with Andy when I continued the same pattern of bonding with him. When he would withdraw from me, I would respond by reaching out in a protest or criticism and blame seeking a reaction by saying something like “what are you doing?” in a critical tone. What I really wanted to know was “are you there for me?” As you can imagine, reaching out to him in a critical way did not bring us closer together and did not get my needs met.
The good news is that although we gravitate towards one bonding style, we can change this pattern by creating new ways of interacting within our current relationships. We can start out as being anxiously attached or avoidant but with a loving, connected partner we can change to become securely attached. We might slip back to some of our old habits of bonding occasionally when crisis hits but that’s normal. The goal here is not to be perfect but it is rather to know there will be bonding injuries and to gain the skills and knowledge needed to build a securely attached relationship.
Principles in Action
So how does this play out in real relationships? Let me tell you a story. I recall a time when I was upset about the loss of my grandmother. I was sitting on the floor crying and Andy walked into the room. He had his earphones in and he was on a mission to find something so he did not see my on the floor crying. He walked right past me. Even though I knew that he likely did not see me upset and I knew that he loves me very much and that if he did see me upset he would’ve stopped to comfort me, all this logic did not sink into how I felt. I was hurt. I started having thoughts about “why could he be so thoughtless and he doesn’t care about me”. Rather than tell him how I was feeling and ask him for what I needed, I criticized him. I walked into the kitchen and noticing he had not cleaned it like he said he would, I began an argument about the untidy kitchen. I was reaching out in an ineffective and confrontational way. In terms of bonding, I was anxiously attached and saying “if you loved me you would have cleaned the kitchen” even though what I really was feeling was “If you loved me you would hold me right now because I’m feeling sad.” As my protest was critical in nature, Andy reacted by becoming defensive and shutting down. A cool feeling came into our kitchen as he began to clean the kitchen angrily and became inaccessible by putting his ear phones in to listen to a book. He was dealing with the our disconnection by being avoidant and distancing himself from the conflict. I felt shut out.
A few minutes of anger and frustration passed until we both realized what we were doing. He stopped what he was doing, turned to me and with a softness in his voice said “I love you and I just want to be close to you.” I could feel the anger that was around my heart start to dissipate and I broke down crying saying “I’m just hurt. I was sad about my grandma and was in the other room crying when you walked right by me and didn’t notice me.” He looked at me concerned and responded “I didn’t see you there. I’m so sorry. What do you need? Do you want a hug?” With that invitation, I leaned towards him and melted in his arms. All the hurt and frustration melted away and we were bonded again.
Digging Deep
Now that you understand bonding and what gets in the way of us feeling close with the people you love, how are these patterns affecting your life. One of the best ways you can take this information and apply it into your life is through exploration. If you desire more connection in your life, I encourage you to ask the following questions.
Which bonding style do you gravitate towards?
How is the way you are reacting in your relationships impacting you?
Do you want more out of the relationships in your life and to feel more connection and love?
Of all the things we can devote our time to learning about and improving, we need to make our relationship happiness our highest priority. After all, societies succeed and fail based on relationships. Families are healed and broken by relationships. Our hearts soar and shatter because of relationships. Our connections with the people we love the most are the foundation of our happiness, our sense of security and love in this world.
So you are at a turning point right here and right now. Your destiny is in front of you. Will you fight for your relationships? Will you be willing to learn about your patterns in relationships and seek to change them to more loving patterns? Will you improve your relationships, heal past patterns that hurt the people you love, and create a future of love with the ones you hold most dear?
I promise you that as you do this, you will be lifted and guided. I know that relationships are not only important to you but important to our Creator. As you seek His guidance and take steps forward to improve your relationships, he will life and strengthen you and give you inspiration about what to do. As we work on and strengthen our relationships with the people closest to us, we not only strengthen our family but we strengthen future generations, our community, and the world.
I look forward to continuing this journey with you as next time we will dive into the specific steps we can take to become bonded even after feeling disconnected. I know that as we understand bonding and know what to do to be connected with the people we love the most, we can experience a joy that is beyond anything else in this life. There is no safer place in the world that in the arms of the one who loves you most when you are securely bonded. My goal is to help you get there.
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